Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dear Capital One

Thank you for sending me so much mail! I'm glad that a valued customer like myself is worth more than an overage fee in monthly postage. It's exciting to know that you're willing to personally keep my USPS guy on his biweekly scheduled visit, a thoughtful boost for the economy as well.

I just went on an 11-day vacation and came home to find six letters from you. Think how excited I was to open each and every one of them, especially with the thoughtful, handwritten notes at the bottom about the new APR.

And thanks for reminding me by mail that I could increase my credit limit with a simple phone call.

Wow, that's a lot of checks you print regularly with my full name and account number on them. You may remember me from my decision-impaired college days, when I extended my limit by using your checks to pay rent and school bills. I even transferred a balance over to you by writing a check. In response, you voluntarily doubled my credit limit, despite my joblessness. I thought regularly of how helpful you were as I paid my minimum balance for the three years that followed. Now, those checks keep my shredder busy. I'm super relieved about that 0% liability policy you guys have — and now I know why you need it!

Please continue to use 8,000 trees a year (or however many you can — go get 'em!) to provide me with excellent, near-daily customer communication. One day, when I go senile, I know I'll come to count on the weekly synopsis you're providing already. I'm lucky to do business with a credit card company that so anticipates my future needs.

Oh, it's in my wallet!

PS: The card redesign from merely dull to that prehistoric two-tone grey with the green streak — genius! If my wallet was stolen, I'm certain a thief would ignore my Capital One, since it's a duplicate of my seventh grade library card.


Myntha said...

The ugly design is deliberate: they want you to design your own card because "studies have found" that you are more likely to both use and pay off a credit card that you personalize with pictures of loved ones or the family pet.

Christine is vegetarian. said...

Really? (This is my shocked voice.) What a ludicrous thing to "study"!